Boys in the House

God created me to be a Mom. When I got home from work today there was a house full of boys. While the may loud, make disgusting sounds and be a tad on the vulgar side - I love having them around.

They left swimming towels all through the house, hung dripping shorts on door handles - and they hit on some girl at the pool - she was texting all of them.

My refrigerator is a little barer and there are lots of dishes in the dishwasher.... but there are some young men who had a good time.

God is so good to me.

Healing

The healing has started. God is so good. There was an incident a couple of weeks ago that divided Jay and I. Upon the advise of someone I love deeply I sent Jay a text this morning asking him to call. He did.

I apologized for cutting off contact without telling him why. He then said, "I am the one who needs to ask forgiveness, I was wrong."

We talked for about 30 minutes not only about what happened but about life in general. It was good. He is maturing.

He stopped by the house tonight so I could meet his girlfriend. We talked some more. He was respectful and loving. He told me about his job search. I am so proud of him.

Jay has not always made the best choices, but it looks like he is learning and wanting to improve himself. It is not easy to admit you have messed up - but he has and he is trying to make life better.

God has great plans for Jay. I love him so much!!

Be Still

It has been an odd day. Emotionally I have been all over the board. So tonight after doing some ironing I sat down to read. Some of the first words I read were Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God.

So I started crying. I so wanted a hug (physical touch is my second love language) and the most amazing thing happened. It was almost as if someone wrapped their arms around me and really hugged me - not the wimpy kind - but the full body, rocking hug. I felt warm all over. I felt peaceful.

It is so cool being wrapped in the arms of God. He is my Comforter, my Protector, my Lord. He loves me so much. He is taking care of me every step of the way.

Wedding Post 5

When you have a wedding two hours away, there is the realization not everyone will come. We invited the core of our Small Group (we multiplied in April but there are ten original families). Five of the families were there to support us.

Quite honestly - I don't know how people make it without a Small Group - these people have loved on me, prayed with me and been there over the past two months. They are reaching out to Brian because they love him so much and miss him deeply.

Until walking through this storm, I never realized how important our Christian friends are. Guess that may be why Scripture says - Forsake not the gathering together.

We are truly blessed.

Death

Sitting here thinking about death. Two people who work for me have experienced it in the last week. One knows the Lord, the other doesn't.

Makes me sad when someone I have met is going to spend eternity in hell. But isn't that true of lots of people I interact with every day? While I hope they see Jesus in me, where is my responsibility? In the workplace I have already crossed the line in sharing my faith.

Then my mind wanders to the superstition death normally comes in threes.... Someone I love more than life itself said he wasn't sure life was worth it. How do you reassure someone you love so much life is worth it - pain is fleeting, weeping endures for the night but joy comes in the morning? It is the greatest pains that bring the greatest joys.

I am getting way to philisophical. I am convinced I need to spend a lot more time praying for those I love and those who I am involved with. Ultimately it is individual choice that determines where we will spend eternity. I want to live my life boldly so others see Jesus in me.

God is so good.

Getting Fit

Sitting here looking at some pictures from three years ago - 74 pounds heavier than I am right now. Great motivation to take off another 26.

So I am going over to swim for a while. I think next weekend I will go camping. While the hiking will be painful on the knees, it will be good to get out in nature. And, I will appreciate the new knees so much more!!

Need to go through my closet and get rid of some stuff too. May have to go back to Goodwill to find clothes that fit. Can't believe I have gone down four sizes.

I have the best reason for doing this. Wish I had done it sooner.

God is so good.

Forgiveness

SOAP today was in 1 Peter, chapter 4:7-8 The end of all things is near. Therefore, be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

I believe we are in the end times, I am praying this season of my life will be over soon. Perhaps that is why the devil is so active in the lives of those who love Jesus - the devil is damned to hell and is trying to take everyone he can with him.

So those of us who love Jesus need to keep our eyes on Him and pray.

Interesting we are told to love deeply. The world today tells us to move on, that love dies. This is NOT scriptural. Because love, especially when we substitute the name of Jesus for love, forgives and forgives and forgives. Love is a commitment. The deep love of Jesus cannot be broken by sin.

I am so thankful for the love Jesus showed me on the cross and the love He shows me every single day. I want to love like He does and forgive like He does. That is deep love.

God is so good.

More Prayer

Still reading the book and this is cool on why prayers aren't being answered:

If the request is wrong, God says "No."

If the timing is wrong, God says "Slow."

If you are wrong, God says "Grow." (Isaiah 59:2, Isaiah 1:18)

But if the request is right, the timing is right and you are right, God says, "Go!"

Pretty cool stuff - I am learning so much about prayer and my Abba Father.

Prayer

Reading Bill Hybels book ' Too Busy NOT to Pray'. He makes the following statement which really encourages me:

..shift the focus of your prayer. Don't spend a lot of time describing your mountain to the Lord. He knows what it is. Instead, focus your attention on the mountain mover - His glory, power and faithfulness. Then start walking in faith, following his leading and watch that mountain step aside.

I am so excited to have a quiet weekend to focus on Abba Father - how amazing He is, how much He loves me and how He is taking care of me. He is taking care of every aspect of my life. I just have to walk with Him in faith. He is in control.

Emotional Roller Coaster

The last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The beauty and joy of Kara and Tom's wedding. The tragedy of having two of my staff dealing with death (mother and son). The excitement of having our students at camp in Durango. So much going on.

Have several friends who are making serious decisions that will impact lots of people and possibly cause a lot of hurt. I was talking with one friend about their decision - Scripture is clear on what the decision should be. Yet my friend doesn't like either hurting people or confrontation. So the decision is not being made, which is probably causing more pain. Praying the Holy Spirit will be mightily at work to resolve each of these situations to the glory of God.

With all that is going on I can't help but wonder if Jesus is coming to rapture His people soon. (Personally, I would be thrilled!). So many people under attack, so much hurt. Yet I had another friend say he believes we are on the edge of revival.... That would be pretty cool too.

Just praying that through whatever happens - my life will glorify the Lord. God is so good.

Vision

My friend Tom just shared an incredible vision with me.

We were talking about prayer and how sometimes it seems they go unanswered. He said each prayer is like a drop falling into a lake. At some point, one drop will send the answer to the prayers over the wall of the dam and will flood the recipient.

It is the accumulation of ALL the prayers by ALL the people that cause the answer to come.

As I have been thinking about this - I think the tears that are being shed are also falling into the lake mixing with the prayers. Interesting how our most earnest prayers bring the most tears...

When God's time is perfect, then the dam will burst and there will be a flood of blessings!!

A flood is coming soon!!

Waiting

I am waiting on God. Waiting for Him to reveal the path I am to follow. I don't like this waiting.

There are so many things I want to do, but I can't because I am in this holding pattern. Over the past few months God has spoken through Scripture to me at least three times a week - Stand Firm. Recently He has been telling me to Be Still.

I don't know what He is doing or where He is leading me. I know He has promised me in Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Funny thing - my deepest desire is to glorify God wherever He leads me.

I love Him so much. So I will wait while He is preparing what is best for me.

More Tragedy

Another tough day at work. Barb who works for me has a 41 year old son with no brain activity. He has been on dialysis for years. They will be taking him off life support on Saturday.

Brings back memories of my Dad. I remember the first song Brian and I heard on the radio driving home was Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine. I miss my Dad.

So next week I will be down two and a half people. Mary is working limited hours as she just had surgery on her foot and her daughter is fighting breast cancer.

I guess the good thing has been - praying with some of my staff. A couple of weeks ago I shared with them what was going on in my life, why I had been so grumpy. I was also able to share the love of Jesus with them. So, the pain has been worth it to have people grow closer to God.

God is good.

Praying

I love it when God wakes me up to pray for someone.

There is so much power in prayer.

God is good.

Forgiveness

Was talking with a friend today about forgiveness.

He asked "How do you forgive when you have been hurt so deeply?"

My initial repsonse was "I want to be like Jesus, so I follow His example and forgive."

As I have been thinking about it, it has really hit me how much Jesus gave up for me. He said I love you this much - then, with outstreched arms, he died, the story doesn't end there because He rose again.

Forgiveness is actually easy - I just think about all the things I have been forgiven of. There is no pain, no action, no words that cannot be forgiven when thought of in the light of the cross.

My friends, we are forgiven, we need only embrace it.

Peace

I am so blessed. I am surrounded by so many people loving on me. Most importantly I have Abba holding me so close in His arms.

The future is a complete unknown except for the fact that I have Jesus. He is walking with me and He is about to shower me with blessings. The storm is coming to an end, I can see the clouds breaking. I have such peace.

Maybe that is what it is all about - being at peace, even in the midst of the storm.

Hope

I love God. Just when things seem to be the bleakest, He provides hope.

It is amazing to me how many times over the past few weeks He has:

• Sent just the right person to encourage
• Revealed a truth
• Hugged me
• Led me to a Scripture
• Shown me a sign (yes, I believe God still gives us signs!)
• Provided hope

God is working in my life in ways I do not understand, nor do I need to understand. My purpose is to glorify Him in every word I speak, every deed I do and every thought I think.

God is good and He is on the throne!

Wedding Post 4

One of the nicest things about the wedding - the number of our friends who shared the day. Out of our small group there were five families who came up: Paul and Paige Lewis, Steve and Terri Balsley, Bruce and Beth Temple, Craig and Ernestina Onstad and Gary and Carol Hartman.

Other than the Lewis' and the Balsleys' none of them know Kara and Tom. They came to support us. So cool they are sharing life.

We are so blessed with friends who care so much. Guess that is what the family of God is all about!

Wedding Post 3

It was such a beautiful wedding. Kara is beautiful. And I was called beautiful.

Guess I look at myself pretty negatively - fat, gray haired and rejected.

I walked into the office to schedule a massage (thanks to my sister!). Amanda was in the office. She said - I know you are the mother of the bride but I don't know your name. I told her Vicki.

She said - Vicki, you are so beautiful, but you look so sad.

I can't wait until the sadness has passed and all that comes out of me is the beauty that comes from having a relationship with the Lord.

I am so blessed.

Unexpected Pain

It has been an interesting day. I anticipated spending it with my sister who is visiting from Seattle. Instead I spent the morning in a hospital room with one of my staff.

Janis was involved in an accident Saturday morning where the car she was in was hit head on by a drunk woman. Janis' mom was killed. She is bruised up and hurting (physically and emotionally).

Then I went to my office to share with them what was going on. Lots of tears.

Now I am home with a list of things I should be doing. There is only one thing I really want to do and I can't do it. Think some time with the Lord will help me with the hurt in my heart right now. God is so good at comforting!

Wedding Post 2

This weekend David cried so many tears. Though I know many of them were joyful tears for his sister and Tom.

Many of them were caused by someone he loves deeply who is not walking with the Lord.David humbled himself and asked this person to do something and was told no. After he hung up the phone, he sobbed his eyes out. Chelsea told me what happened. I was able to hold my baby and assure him he is loved and that when people walk away from the Lord they do selfish things and none of this is his fault.

I pray he realizes soon he can't save everyone! He is growing into such a man of God. Though he said he understands....the pain is evident in his eyes.

Wedding Post 1

This is the first of probably many blogs about the wedding.

While the "real" pictures won't be ready until I have no clue when - there were LOTS of cameras. Not sure who took these but they are great.

Of course the wedding was beautiful. Lots of prayers were answered - though it rained Friday afternoon it didn't rain on Saturday until about 6:30. Then it poured. There was lightening and thunder. The temperatures must have dropped 25 degrees.

The afternoon was a tad warm until the breezes kicked up.

Kara is beautiful - we are so blessed. The cool thing - her beauty is not only external, it comes from within.

Tom cried through much of the wedding - it is so obvious how much in love they are.

I can't wait to see where God leads them!

Waiting

This morning had a wonderful time with God. He is giving me so much wisdom (James 1).

He is showing me this is a time of waiting in my life. I am waiting to see where He is going to lead me. I know the things I want in my life and have given them all to Him. It is so amazing to think that whatever He gives back to me He will have been working on for months. Look what He did in seven days!!

While it may not seem anything is going on - I know God is hearing and honoring my prayers. He is taking me from glory to glory. He loves me so much and He is holding me so close. Sometimes I actually feel His hugs!

So during this wating time, I hold on to hope and rely on His strength.

Isaiah 40:28-31 - Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Praise

Still in Hebrews, still amazed at how much God loves us.

Chapter 13, verse 15-16 - Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Reminds me of the verse in 1 Samuel 15:22 - To obey is better than sacrifice.

So we should continually be praising God, doing good and sharing Him - but even more important to Him is that we obey the laws He has given us.

I think when we are obeying God, praise is a natural outflow. We are in relationship with Him we want to do the things He asks.

He is so worthy of praise - sometimes I think about the price He paid and can't take it all in. To go through the pain, the agony, the rejection... all because He loves me. My only response can be Praise to the King of Kings.

Kara

My baby daughter is getting married. I am so proud of her. She and Tom have done it by themselves.

I admire the fact they will have a covenant marriage through the state - lots of premarital counseling and should they ever want to part, they would have to go through more counseling. They are spiritually on the same page.

While she hasn't always made the best decisions, she is taking responsibility. She is reaching out to others who are hurting. She is demonstrating love and servanthood. I am proud of the woman she has become. I am excited to see where the Lord leads them as a couple.

My heart is sad because one thing she truly wants will probably not happen. All I can do is pray her day is amazing and beautiful, full of love of family and friends. It will be bittersweet.

Faith - Part 2

Still in Hebrews - what an amazing book. How did I miss it all these years?

Chapter 10, verses 39-40 - These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

So as I walk in faith (which is the only option I have right now) I will be blessed. Not only blessed, but something better for us. I am so thankful that God knows what I really need - not what I ask for.

He is so faithful to me. I want to be faithful and obedient to Him. He is giving me just enough light to let me see the baby steps I am taking. Yet spiritually, the steps He is growing me into are huge. I am learning so very much about my Abba Father.

I am blessed.

Faith

As I finished my SOAP tonight I glanced ahead (sometimes it is hard to stop reading the Word of God, there is so much good stuff in it!).

Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

That so describes my life right now - walking in faith. I know what I hope for and I am certain God will bring about miracles.

Jesus is holding me close as I take one step at a time. Sometimes it seems there is only enough light to take a baby step. But that is okay, I am moving forward. It is my faith that will see me through to Heaven.

God is so good.

Tears

Woke up in the middle of the night and reached over for Brian. Then realized, he isn't here.

It hurts. Yet, my heart holds on to the hope of reconciliation. I know God is big enough to work things through. And I know reconciliation is the desire of God's heart.

I take comfort in all of the tears I shed are being held by my Lord. He will take all of my tears and turn them into diamonds. Those diamonds will be placed on the crown He will give me at the judgement. Then, according to Scripture, I will toss the crown at His feet in honor and praise.

Without great pain there cannot be great joy. The great joy is coming - the angels will be dancing. God is good.

Tough Questions

Had a wonderful time of fellowship this evening with the folks involved in Student Ministries. It is so good to be back serving.

Had an interesting coversation about someone who is no longer serving. We were chatting about why they have turned away from God. This is a question I am struggling with right now. Why would someone, after experiencing the joy of Jesus and His salvation, turn away? Did things get too tough? Did they lack faith? Did they ever have faith?

And beyond those questions - I wonder, what is my responsibility? Obviously I am going to pray. But what should happen to bring someone back to the Lord?

And then my mind continues - what about the people around who have been touched by someone walking away from the Lord? What about their pain? How do I know who has even been affected?

Perhaps it all comes down to faith. I have to do what my Father has called me to do - pray for everything and talk to those He lays on my heart. He is in control. I love the passage in Romans 8 where it talks about the Holy Spirit intercedes with groans too deep for understanding.

That is the passage I claim - the Holy Spirit is taking care of the situation. I just am going to rest in Abba Father's arms.

Zeke

Last night I spent time with Zeke. Haven't seen much of him lately. He say me and screamed "Micki" and ran across the room. There is something about the unconditional love of an almost four year old that melts your heart.

We spent time "playing" ping pong. He kept grabbing my hand and pulling me along. When our time was over, he kept telling Tasha - "I want to go home with Micki". We told him when David is back in town he can come over for a weekend.

I am so thankful to have Tasha, Zeke and Sprae in my life. I am so thankful for the love of a little one.

God is good.

Words of Wisdom

My friend Gayle McAleese wrote the following:

As usual God's timing is always perfect. Do any of you need to be reminded of this as I did in this chapter in my life? It’s always great to be reminded and comforted by God’s word.

The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you - depending on how you respond to them. Unfortunately, most people fail to see how GOD wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their problems rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring. Here are five ways GOD wants to use the problems in your life:

1. GOD uses problems to DIRECT you. Sometimes GOD must light a fire under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change. Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

2. GOD uses problems to INSPECT you. People are like tea bags...if you want to know what's inside them, just drop them into hot water! Has GOD tested your faith with a problem? What do problems reveal about you? "When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience." James 1:2-3 3.

3. GOD uses problems to CORRECT you. Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure. It's likely that as a child your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn the value of something...health, money, a relationship... by losing it. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72

4. GOD uses problems to PROTECT you. A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem - but it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later when management's actions were eventually discovered. "You intended to harm me, but GOD intended it for good... Genesis 50:20

5. GOD uses problems to PERFECT you. Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. GOD is far more interested in your character than your comfort. Your relationship to GOD and your character are the only two things you're going to take with you into eternity.

"We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust GOD more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

Here's the point: GOD is at work in your life - even when you do not recognize it or understand it. But it's much easier and profitable when you cooperate with Him.

Feeling Good (and Bad)

My knees are hurting something horrible today. But, before too long, the pain will be a thing of the past. Just wish it could be done before October.....

But, mostly I am feeling great - my underwear is falling off!! So today I will go buy new underwear. Never thought this is something I would be excited to do!

I am within two pounds of my goal before the wedding on July 18 - have lost 38 pounds since March. Hopefully I can drop the other two in the next week.

I decided to keep going - I would like to get down another 25 or 30 pounds. It will be good for me - especially with the new knees. I can't wait to be able to hike again.

My only regret is I waited too long to get healthy. God is good.

The Family

I love our Home Team. They have wrapped their arms of love around me during this storm. They want to wrap their arms around Brian too.

For whatever reason yesterday was an emotional day, lots of tears. I was with Paige and Terri last night. They let me cry. Tonight we were all together and I only leaked twice!!!

It was different without Brian - I kept looking for him, then remembering. After 19+ years it is difficult to not have him around. I miss him a lot.

My friend asked me tonight if I would even take him back. Of course, our marriage is a covenant. God wants us to work through this so He can be glorified.

So God holds me up. He surrounds me with our Home Team, our Palm Valley family, our Tres Dias friends, our family all loving on me. I am blessed.

Quotes

Ran across some great quotes from Andy Stanley:

• In the midst of uncertainty God is still certain.
• Can you trust God when there is no evidence of His activity in your life?
• God seems to take broken things and do amazing work.
• The greatest things begin in the greatest messes.
• God STILL has the whole world in His hands.

What hope, what encouragement. God is good. He is still working miracles. I am so privileged to serve and love Him.

Crucifying Christ

Still SOAPing in Hebrews. Was reading in Chapter 6 about those who fallen away. The writer of Hebrews says "...because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."

So every time I sin (whether intentional or not) I am putting another nail in my Savior or pushing another thorn into His head, or perhaps adding another lashing to His back. This is heavy.

Jesus, who willingly died for me, then defeated death by rising again - He suffers when I sin. So the remarks I make sarcastically - they hurt Him; the impure thoughts I have - they hurt Him; the times I don't reach out to another in love - He is hurt. I could go on and on.

I am so thankful for the grace and mercy Jesus shows. I am going to do my best to not hurt Him any more and live a life that will make Him smile.

Temptation

Our SOAPing has been in Hebrews.

Chapter 4:14-16 - Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Chapter 5:7 - During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

How cool is it that Jesus understands EVERYTHING we are tempted with. So when we are in a situation - we can cry out to Him and KNOW He hears and understands. He showed us how to pray with loud cries and tears in reverent submission. And we are told in

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it.

AND, not only does He understand, but He will provide a way out as long as we put our trust in Him.

So as I am on this journey right now that I don't like, I can rest in the fact that Abba is walking with me, He understands everything I am going through, He will provide a way for me to stand firm. He loves me so much.

It is overwhelming the magnitude of God's love for His children. I am so blessed.

Games and Feelings

I was accused of playing games and manipulating today. All I was doing is protecting myself. After being verbally attacked yesterday by two different people (one expected, the other hurts like #%&*) my emotions are pretty raw, I didn't sleep much. The thought crossed my mind, since they are both so angry and full of hatred, would they do something to hurt me?

I feel afraid so I protect myself by not going near those who have threatened me. How is that playing games?

People play so many games rather than being honest. Feelings aren't right or wrong - they simply are. What we do with those feelings can be bad or good.

I love Brian so I pray for him. I am not going to play games and pretend I don't care - because I do. Our marriage is a covenant. It will be reconciled and healed, don't know when, I just trust the Father who never changes. He loves me, he is so deceived by the enemy.

God will honor my obedience. God always honors and blesses us when we are obedient to Him. More than anything else - I want to stand pure before my Lord and Savior. I want to hear the words "Well done."

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

1 Samuel 17:45-48 (parts) - I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel... and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's. Then David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him (Goliath).

God has already won - I don't need to worry or fret. David ran out to face Goliath because he KNEW the battle was his.

For me - I don't need to deal with the satan with skin on who is in Brian's life. God will deal with her. God is on the throne. Brian is His child. The Shepherd will return the lost to the fold.

The battle belongs to the Lord. And when the battle is over - we will have a Victory Celebration.

Spiritual Warfare

I never realized spiritual warfare was so intense, nor have I ever been attacked for speaking the truth. Guess the Lord is letting me become more like Him.

So much going on right now. God is on the throne - He will be glorified. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me, even though he is confused right now. I am concerned about his safety, his health. I am praying he will reach out to Jesus.

Whatever happens, God is good. He loves me so much. He loves Brian. I hold on to the covenant of our marriage and know we will be reconciled.

Thank you Abba for holding me close. I love you.

Love Notes

Tonight I decided to go through some boxes. Yes, they are boxes we have moved several times. Threw away a lot of stuff. Then I ran across the bag from my Tres Dias weekend.....

As I sat and read through some of the stuff I cried and cried and cried. Then I got to the letter from Brian. Two pages of how much he loves me. So I cried some more. The funny thing is - he still tells me he loves me.

Through our marriage Brian gave me lots of love notes - I have many of them tucked in my Bible. Maybe that is the reason I believe we still have hope.

Last week he told me there is still a chance... so I continue to pray. God specializes in impossible situations so I will claim the blood of Jesus over our marriage and know that we will be reconciled.

I can't wait to get the next love note from Brian.

Pain

The knees are hurting today. Didn't sleep much last night, one of those nights where the physical pain and the emotional pain kept me up. The cool thing - spent a lot of time talking with God.

I know He is in control and He is working in ways beyond my understanding. I simply pray He works fast.

Am hoping to spend time with the one I love most today.

Prayer

The Holy Spirit is moving. I don't know how, God has just given me the assurance that in the spiritual realm - things are happening!!

Sometimes the whole concept of prayer is overwhelming. I ask God to work and He does. He doesn't always do what I think should be done. Sometimes things happen (or don't) because people have free will. But He works everything out for His glory and His honor.

I love talking to God. I am learning to love listening to Him. As our relationship is growing, and hopefully I am becoming more like Him, I am learning to trust Him. He knows what is best and He loves me so very much.

Brian has been so heavy on my heart - he is hurting so much. I am thankful I can lift him up to God and KNOW the Holy Spirit is moving.

Brian has some heavy decisions to make. Decisions that touch others and will impact eternity. He has the strength to make the obedient decision he just doesn't realize it! How I pray he follows the will of our Father.

Abba - move in Brian's life so he will make decisions that will glorify You. Be with his thoughts and his mind - clear away the confusion (for confusion is NOT from You Lord). Help him to turn to your Word and to those who are walking with you and not look to the world for answers. Give him the strength to return to the path to which You have called him. Help him to know he is loved, he is cherished, he is forgiven. Remind him of the price You paid for him. You loved him so much, you stretched out your arms and died. Thank you Lord for the victory we have through the blood of Jesus!!

Hope and the Unknown

My poor little brain is frazzled. I am still trying to figure out what happened in my marriage to cause Brian to leave or more importantly I am trying to get my mind around why Brian would blatently disobey God.


I shared with a friend of mine a vision God gave me. Brian and I are standing hand in hand at the edge of the Promised Land. Behind us are all the horrible things we have already endured - the trial, Brian's gambling addiction, being separated by work, death, challenges with children. In front of us is Jesus - holding out blessings - the home we looked at two months ago, our children, grandchildren, our goats - Nanny and Billy. Jesus is saying to Brian, the choice is yours - choose obedience and all the blessings and more are yours.

After sharing this with a wise friend he said - Vicki, there is more to your vision. I said "What?"

He said, next to Jesus is satan - he is holding lots of pretty things that will be temporary, they won't last as they are built on lies and deception, there is no basis but they are tempting. And satan is saying, choose me.

Our friend continued - he said, Vicki, you don't see satan because you are focused on the Lord. Brian is confused, therefore he is listening to both.

At this point Brian has chosen sin. Yet, I hold onto the hope he will return to God and will rest in the arms of his Savior. Abba Father is waiting for Brian to reach out. He so wants to hold him and rock him and take away all the pain.

I have hope.